So now that the ominous cloud of the working-mom-conflict that hung over my head had burst and poured out the most liberating of rains, we had to tackle the next hurdle to preparing for baby-to-be: we would be needing more room, all while going down to one salary.  I may not be a math teacher, but I know that doesn't add up.  Time to think outside-of-the-box.  Fortunately we had some time over the school break at Christmas to sit down and work out all the options.  Here's what we came up with:
1.  Greg keeps his job, with the potential of landing a significant promotion. 
2.  Greg goes into business for himself as an educational consultant (based on a plan that had been rolling around in his head for a while). 
3.  I would resign from my teaching position, but offer home day-care services to my current place of employment.
4.  (The "if-everything-else-fails" plan): Give our resumes to a teacher-placement-agency seeking a suitable boarding school and see where we land on the map.  .

Then we got to work.  We calculated potential budgets, and imagined the best and worst case outcomes for each option.  We contacted real estate agents, and even visited some houses.  Buying, renting, all options were on the table.  I spoke with the head of school regarding a home day care, and she gave me the thumbs-up to start planning.  I organized a small committee of young working moms who might benefit from the service.  Greg continued to develop his business plan and was one step away from naming it as an LLC.  We were praying and working hard in order to give our family a decent home.  Certainly God would reward our efforts...

And then the first amazing thing happened: all our plans fell flat.  We finally admitted that even if Greg stayed at his current place of employment and earned a promotion, there would be no way we could afford a bigger place on his salary alone. The day-care plans started to fizzle when we had trouble finding a large enough place, and slowly my colleagues with kids started to announce plans that eliminated their need for a home day care.  Greg's business idea began to grow, but with it we started to realize just how much time it would take for it to be profitable, and certainly a highly stressful situation with three little ones.  And with all options, all the doors to a bigger place were bolted shut.  The houses and apartments we saw were too expensive, too small, too much work....and the whole process was becoming too frustrating.

I struggled to find comfort and peace in our predicament.  If we were open to life, why would God not help us find adequate housing for that new life?  Why was it so hard financially to live according to God's Will and Church teachings?  Perhaps God was trying to show me to be grateful for the apartment we had, to live simply and to realize that happiness is not found in stuff, but that only led me to feel guilty that I had been coveting a larger home.  I also began to experience deep bitterness at homeowners in general.  It didn't matter if they had saved for many years or had simply won the lottery and were easily able to buy a new mansion.  I resented them all.

The small ray of hope remained with the teacher-placement agency.  Greg already had had an interview with one boarding school in the western part of the state, and I was invited to the second interview with him.  We liked meeting the students and faculty, and I could envision our family living on campus.  It wasn't exactly what I had imagined for us, but it would give us space and we could afford it.

About a month later the second amazing thing happened: an unexpected phone call from a second boarding school in south central Pennsylvania.  The administrator who called Greg warmly described the institution and the Latin teacher opening.  Greg's interest in the school grew as the conversation continued, and by the time he hung up he had an invitation for an interview...for the next week.  The school paid for his travels, put him up in a historic bed and breakfast, and planned a day-long interview so he could meet other teachers, coaches, and administrators.  When he arrived home from the trip, he told me he had never wanted a job more badly. 

Less than a week later the head of school called him and offered him a job.

The decision to accept the offer was more difficult than it may seem.  Although it was certainly an exciting offer, it meant we would have to leave the current jobs which we loved, and move our family over 8 hours away to a part of the country we had never been.  It was truly a bittersweet decision. 

God answers our prayers in ways we least expect.  A year ago I had no idea where to find Mercersburg, PA on a map, but this move has nevertheless answered countless prayers, and the housing is only the beginning.  Admittedly, there are days when I feel the dull ache of homesickness, but I can't deny that our family is thriving.  All of our ideas and potential solutions paled in comparison to what God had in store for us all along. 

My greatest and most inventive idea is completely limited compared to the infinite wisdom and love God has for His children. 

(As a remarkable little side note, the week Greg travelled to Mercersburg for his interview was the 18th week of my pregnancy, the same week I was scheduled to have an ultrasound and find out the gender of baby #3.  And 10 minutes before he was scheduled to meet an administrator for his interview, he was parked on the side of the road, fixing his tie and talking on the cell phone to his wife....who was describing the ultrasound pictures from the screen in front of her.  It makes for a good interview when you've just found out you will be having a son!  Now that's a pretty good story....perhaps for a later post...)

So now that the ominous cloud of the working-mom-conflict that hung over my head had burst and poured out the most liberating of rains, we had to tackle the next hurdle to preparing for baby-to-be: we would be needing more room, all while going down to one salary.  I may not be a math teacher, but I know that doesn't add up.  Time to think outside-of-the-box.  Fortunately we had some time over the school break at Christmas to sit down and work out all the options.  Here's what we came up with:
1.  Greg keeps his job, with the potential of landing a significant promotion. 
2.  Greg goes into business for himself as an educational consultant (based on a plan that had been rolling around in his head for a while). 
3.  I would resign from my teaching position, but offer home day-care services to my current place of employment.
4.  (The "if-everything-else-fails" plan): Give our resumes to a teacher-placement-agency seeking a suitable boarding school and see where we land on the map.  .

Then we got to work.  We calculated potential budgets, and imagined the best and worst case outcomes for each option.  We contacted real estate agents, and even visited some houses.  Buying, renting, all options were on the table.  I spoke with the head of school regarding a home day care, and she gave me the thumbs-up to start planning.  I organized a small committee of young working moms who might benefit from the service.  Greg continued to develop his business plan and was one step away from naming it as an LLC.  We were praying and working hard in order to give our family a decent home.  Certainly God would reward our efforts...

And then the first amazing thing happened: all our plans fell flat.  We finally admitted that even if Greg stayed at his current place of employment and earned a promotion, there would be no way we could afford a bigger place on his salary alone. The day-care plans started to fizzle when we had trouble finding a large enough place, and slowly my colleagues with kids started to announce plans that eliminated their need for a home day care.  Greg's business idea began to grow, but with it we started to realize just how much time it would take for it to be profitable, and certainly a highly stressful situation with three little ones.  And with all options, all the doors to a bigger place were bolted shut.  The houses and apartments we saw were too expensive, too small, too much work....and the whole process was becoming too frustrating.

I struggled to find comfort and peace in our predicament.  If we were open to life, why would God not help us find adequate housing for that new life?  Why was it so hard financially to live according to God's Will and Church teachings?  Perhaps God was trying to show me to be grateful for the apartment we had, to live simply and to realize that happiness is not found in stuff, but that only led me to feel guilty that I had been coveting a larger home.  I also began to experience deep bitterness at homeowners in general.  It didn't matter if they had saved for many years or had simply won the lottery and were easily able to buy a new mansion.  I resented them all.

The small ray of hope remained with the teacher-placement agency.  Greg already had had an interview with one boarding school in the western part of the state, and I was invited to the second interview with him.  We liked meeting the students and faculty, and I could envision our family living on campus.  It wasn't exactly what I had imagined for us, but it would give us space and we could afford it.

About a month later the second amazing thing happened: an unexpected phone call from a second boarding school in south central Pennsylvania.  The administrator who called Greg warmly described the institution and the Latin teacher opening.  Greg's interest in the school grew as the conversation continued, and by the time he hung up he had an invitation for an interview...for the next week.  The school paid for his travels, put him up in a historic bed and breakfast, and planned a day-long interview so he could meet other teachers, coaches, and administrators.  When he arrived home from the trip, he told me he had never wanted a job more badly. 

Less than a week later the head of school called him and offered him a job.

The decision to accept the offer was more difficult than it may seem.  Although it was certainly an exciting offer, it meant we would have to leave the current jobs which we loved, and move our family over 8 hours away to a part of the country we had never been.  It was truly a bittersweet decision. 

God answers our prayers in ways we least expect.  A year ago I had no idea where to find Mercersburg, PA on a map, but this move has nevertheless answered countless prayers, and the housing is only the beginning.  Admittedly, there are days when I feel the dull ache of homesickness, but I can't deny that our family is thriving.  All of our ideas and potential solutions paled in comparison to what God had in store for us all along. 

My greatest and most inventive idea is completely limited compared to the infinite wisdom and love God has for His children. 

(As a remarkable little side note, the week Greg travelled to Mercersburg for his interview was the 18th week of my pregnancy, the same week I was scheduled to have an ultrasound and find out the gender of baby #3.  And 10 minutes before he was scheduled to meet an administrator for his interview, he was parked on the side of the road, fixing his tie and talking on the cell phone to his wife....who was describing the ultrasound pictures from the screen in front of her.  It makes for a good interview when you've just found out you will be having a son!  Now that's a pretty good story....perhaps for a later post...)

Liberation Despite the Unexpected

I marvel daily at my son's peaceful temperament.  He is such a happy, content little guy, and so full of smiles.  To think of how chaotic life seemed the moment I found out I was expecting compared with how simple and focused life has become since his birth.  A unexpected turn in a seemingly out-of-control maze became a most liberating circumstance.

Before I continue, I must state this disclaimer: the following is a raw and brutally honest reflection.  You may be critical of my reaction to the news of my pregnancy, to the disappointment I felt about leaving my job, about the deep-seeded worry that kept me up at night.  But being open to new life and valuing the sanctity of life at all stages does not mean that one has to have a superficial, saccharin sweet demeanor regarding the logistics of providing for that life.  Let me be clear: I am pro-life.  But it is not always easy to have the correct joyous attitude all the time.  A couple committed to their marriage will still have arguments and will need to make necessary readjustments in their relationship.   Life is dynamic, a constant tension between worry and faith, selfish desires and God's Will. 

My husband and I knew we wanted more kids. I could not imagine only being pregnant the one time, having experienced all the milestones of a baby's first year of life so quickly and only once.  But looking at the home pregnancy test with wide, wide eyes was not exactly a teary moment of Hallmark caliber.  This certainly moved us up a notch on the complicated scale.  In the midst of the crazy morning routines, the weekly daycare schedules, the busyness of the schoolyear, the financial strain...and now another baby, I was immediately overwhelmed.  Unlike my first pregnancy, where I told everyone the second I found out I was expecting, I guarded the news of this second pregnancy, like tucking a secret note far back in a forgotten drawer.  What would people think?  The girls had just celebrated their first birthday; was the timing too soon? What if it was twins again?  Cue the emotional rollercoaster.

A dark cloud seemed to follow me the next day at school. I was physically tired, emotionally drained, and plain grumpy that I had to do the crazy morning dance and get to work as if nothing had changed. I was also finding my purpose in school to be suddenly and quickly fading: why put effort into the French curriculum that I had been building the past three years when I was to leave it all behind in a short six months when the school year ended? I went to Mass that morning and sat in bittersweet disappointment after it was over.  Ironically, the place of work that played such a pivotal role in my conversion and my openness to new life was now on the losing end of a tug-of-war battle between my private and public vocations.  I would be leaving the treasure of daily Mass with my students so soon, and yet the meditation and spiritual strength from receiving the Eucharist at these daily Masses helped me to understand that this new pregnancy was a reason for simple joy, not complicated and oppressing worry, even if I didn't feel such immediate happiness.

Despite the initial anxious gulp when I first realized the news, I was admittedly, deep down, relieved that my tormenting daily conflict had been resolved.  It did not make any sense for me to continue working with three little ones.  The cost of day care alone would have been more than my monthly earnings.  It was a no-brainer.  A third child made my decision to be a working or stay-at-home mom very simple, and I longed for simplicity.  I didn't have to do the balancing act anymore; I had the best excuse to dive into full-time motherhood.

You see, I had been praying hard about what I should do as a working mom.  I oftened lingered in the chapel after Mass, sometimes even teary-eyed, sitting in His presence and seeking His counsel.  I knew I couldn't make the decision on my own to leave my students, but I also knew that by not making a decision I was letting my two little babies down.  Perhaps it seems as though I was unwelcome to this new life, but deep down I knew it was God's Will and His answer to my search for His voice.  The logistics?  Yeah, they would probably be messy. The answer to my question? Simple and clear. And that was liberating.

Someone once said to me that the two best feelings in the world are being in love, and knowing that you are doing God's will.  So despite the whirlwind of unanswered questions, I knew that this baby had a purpose, and thus my purpose was to do everything in my power to protect that life and enable it to live to the fullest. 

My sweet baby boy is nothing but smiles, gentle coos, and warm snuggles.  Every time I gaze at his face I am reminded that the early stages of his life was the catalyst to some monumental decisions that required only God's grace.  God took care of us.  Our whole family of 5.

Liberation Despite the Unexpected

I marvel daily at my son's peaceful temperament.  He is such a happy, content little guy, and so full of smiles.  To think of how chaotic life seemed the moment I found out I was expecting compared with how simple and focused life has become since his birth.  A unexpected turn in a seemingly out-of-control maze became a most liberating circumstance.

Before I continue, I must state this disclaimer: the following is a raw and brutally honest reflection.  You may be critical of my reaction to the news of my pregnancy, to the disappointment I felt about leaving my job, about the deep-seeded worry that kept me up at night.  But being open to new life and valuing the sanctity of life at all stages does not mean that one has to have a superficial, saccharin sweet demeanor regarding the logistics of providing for that life.  Let me be clear: I am pro-life.  But it is not always easy to have the correct joyous attitude all the time.  A couple committed to their marriage will still have arguments and will need to make necessary readjustments in their relationship.   Life is dynamic, a constant tension between worry and faith, selfish desires and God's Will. 

My husband and I knew we wanted more kids. I could not imagine only being pregnant the one time, having experienced all the milestones of a baby's first year of life so quickly and only once.  But looking at the home pregnancy test with wide, wide eyes was not exactly a teary moment of Hallmark caliber.  This certainly moved us up a notch on the complicated scale.  In the midst of the crazy morning routines, the weekly daycare schedules, the busyness of the schoolyear, the financial strain...and now another baby, I was immediately overwhelmed.  Unlike my first pregnancy, where I told everyone the second I found out I was expecting, I guarded the news of this second pregnancy, like tucking a secret note far back in a forgotten drawer.  What would people think?  The girls had just celebrated their first birthday; was the timing too soon? What if it was twins again?  Cue the emotional rollercoaster.

A dark cloud seemed to follow me the next day at school. I was physically tired, emotionally drained, and plain grumpy that I had to do the crazy morning dance and get to work as if nothing had changed. I was also finding my purpose in school to be suddenly and quickly fading: why put effort into the French curriculum that I had been building the past three years when I was to leave it all behind in a short six months when the school year ended? I went to Mass that morning and sat in bittersweet disappointment after it was over.  Ironically, the place of work that played such a pivotal role in my conversion and my openness to new life was now on the losing end of a tug-of-war battle between my private and public vocations.  I would be leaving the treasure of daily Mass with my students so soon, and yet the meditation and spiritual strength from receiving the Eucharist at these daily Masses helped me to understand that this new pregnancy was a reason for simple joy, not complicated and oppressing worry, even if I didn't feel such immediate happiness.

Despite the initial anxious gulp when I first realized the news, I was admittedly, deep down, relieved that my tormenting daily conflict had been resolved.  It did not make any sense for me to continue working with three little ones.  The cost of day care alone would have been more than my monthly earnings.  It was a no-brainer.  A third child made my decision to be a working or stay-at-home mom very simple, and I longed for simplicity.  I didn't have to do the balancing act anymore; I had the best excuse to dive into full-time motherhood.

You see, I had been praying hard about what I should do as a working mom.  I oftened lingered in the chapel after Mass, sometimes even teary-eyed, sitting in His presence and seeking His counsel.  I knew I couldn't make the decision on my own to leave my students, but I also knew that by not making a decision I was letting my two little babies down.  Perhaps it seems as though I was unwelcome to this new life, but deep down I knew it was God's Will and His answer to my search for His voice.  The logistics?  Yeah, they would probably be messy. The answer to my question? Simple and clear. And that was liberating.

Someone once said to me that the two best feelings in the world are being in love, and knowing that you are doing God's will.  So despite the whirlwind of unanswered questions, I knew that this baby had a purpose, and thus my purpose was to do everything in my power to protect that life and enable it to live to the fullest. 

My sweet baby boy is nothing but smiles, gentle coos, and warm snuggles.  Every time I gaze at his face I am reminded that the early stages of his life was the catalyst to some monumental decisions that required only God's grace.  God took care of us.  Our whole family of 5.

The Growing Conflict

What a difference a year makes.  At this time last year I was feeling the exhaustion of being a working mom, and struggling with a deep internal conflict.  Although it was not even two months into the school year, the fresh energy I had felt in early September was already running on empty.  It was near the end of cross-country season, and although I was so happy to be coaching the team again (I had missed last season because I was on maternity leave with the twins), I was counting the days until the last meet.  Every coach can admittedly feel tired by the end of a sports season, but my eagerness for the end of afternoon practices was more than just the appeal of more free time.  I was really missing my girls.  Dropping them off at daycare by 7 in the morning and not seeing them until 5:30 in the evening made for long days apart.  And especially after we had spent every day of the summer together, this new routine was an abrupt change.  It had become a great whirlwind to feed them and get them in bed in the evenings, and I always had the feeling after they fell asleep that I had barely spent any quality time with them.  The weekends had become the only time to get the chores done that I never had enough time for during the week, and still I could never seem to get everything completed.  If I got caught up in the housework, I fell behind in my schoolwork, and vice versa.  By Sunday evening I often felt frazzled and unsure of which neglected projects I would tackle for Monday (sorting laundry or correcting those vocabulary quizzes?).  It was the first time in my professional life that I had questioned my purpose for working, and that zapped my energy even more.

This was a conflict I had never anticipated experiencing.  Before having the girls, much of my identity had revolved around my working life.  It was one of the reasons why returning to work after their birth was an easy decision.   My job at Montrose School was by far my most favorite teaching position of my career thus far, and consequently I felt more confident, positive, and generally happy in my life than when I had other teaching positions.  Furthermore, Montrose School was more than just an enjoyable place to work.  It was the place where I had embarked on a profound personal spiritual journey, and my gratitude for that place continues to run deep.   Yet ironically, it took a position that I thoroughly enjoyed to unravel that tightly wound and imbalanced sense of worth found in a job.  Working at Montrose made me realize that the job I loved so much was still just a job.

One of the reasons I loved working at Montrose, and this was even before my conversion, is the availability of the chapel.  That place is, as the school chaplain often proclaims, the most beautiful room in the entire building.  I often found myself swimming in waves of grace when I took some time out of the crazy school day to just sit and talk with God.  No matter how long I wrestled with figuring out my true purpose in working and being a mom, I would leave the chapel in a soft cloud of peace that I knew would somehow be strong enough to carry me through the rest of the day.  Even if I left the chapel completely unsure about what to do, I was completely and perfectly content resting in God's love, and knowing that somehow and at some point He would reveal His will for me. 

God sometimes answers prayer in ways that we don’t expect. 

 

Shortly after Thanksgiving I found out I was expecting.

To be continued…

The Growing Conflict

What a difference a year makes.  At this time last year I was feeling the exhaustion of being a working mom, and struggling with a deep internal conflict.  Although it was not even two months into the school year, the fresh energy I had felt in early September was already running on empty.  It was near the end of cross-country season, and although I was so happy to be coaching the team again (I had missed last season because I was on maternity leave with the twins), I was counting the days until the last meet.  Every coach can admittedly feel tired by the end of a sports season, but my eagerness for the end of afternoon practices was more than just the appeal of more free time.  I was really missing my girls.  Dropping them off at daycare by 7 in the morning and not seeing them until 5:30 in the evening made for long days apart.  And especially after we had spent every day of the summer together, this new routine was an abrupt change.  It had become a great whirlwind to feed them and get them in bed in the evenings, and I always had the feeling after they fell asleep that I had barely spent any quality time with them.  The weekends had become the only time to get the chores done that I never had enough time for during the week, and still I could never seem to get everything completed.  If I got caught up in the housework, I fell behind in my schoolwork, and vice versa.  By Sunday evening I often felt frazzled and unsure of which neglected projects I would tackle for Monday (sorting laundry or correcting those vocabulary quizzes?).  It was the first time in my professional life that I had questioned my purpose for working, and that zapped my energy even more.

This was a conflict I had never anticipated experiencing.  Before having the girls, much of my identity had revolved around my working life.  It was one of the reasons why returning to work after their birth was an easy decision.   My job at Montrose School was by far my most favorite teaching position of my career thus far, and consequently I felt more confident, positive, and generally happy in my life than when I had other teaching positions.  Furthermore, Montrose School was more than just an enjoyable place to work.  It was the place where I had embarked on a profound personal spiritual journey, and my gratitude for that place continues to run deep.   Yet ironically, it took a position that I thoroughly enjoyed to unravel that tightly wound and imbalanced sense of worth found in a job.  Working at Montrose made me realize that the job I loved so much was still just a job.

One of the reasons I loved working at Montrose, and this was even before my conversion, is the availability of the chapel.  That place is, as the school chaplain often proclaims, the most beautiful room in the entire building.  I often found myself swimming in waves of grace when I took some time out of the crazy school day to just sit and talk with God.  No matter how long I wrestled with figuring out my true purpose in working and being a mom, I would leave the chapel in a soft cloud of peace that I knew would somehow be strong enough to carry me through the rest of the day.  Even if I left the chapel completely unsure about what to do, I was completely and perfectly content resting in God's love, and knowing that somehow and at some point He would reveal His will for me. 

God sometimes answers prayer in ways that we don’t expect. 

 

Shortly after Thanksgiving I found out I was expecting.

To be continued…

Quick Update

It’s been a while since my last post.  The past year has brought many changes, many I will try to explain in coming posts.  But to summarize, my husband accepted a new job in Pennsylvania, which meant a big move last July into a perfect house for our young family.  Why the sudden job change and relocation?  That’s the bigger news: we have a beautiful new son!  God has truly blessed us with this healthy little boy.   The past several months have been a journey of trust and gratitude, and I hope that my little story can bring hope to other families.  Stay tuned!